[THE BIGGEST BATTLE]
I believe that people all around the world go through tremendous amounts of hurt and sadness. When we turn on the T.V. or go on the internet, we can’t seem to get away from all of the bad things that go on in the world. And, sometimes, we can feel a little better for the life we live because we know that it could be so much worst. What I’ve come to realize is that the biggest battle of all is the battle within oneself: finding your purpose in life and growing up. Those internal battles are by far the hardest things I’ve ever had to overcome, and I know that I’m not done overcoming yet.
At this point, you’ve cared enough to click on my blog, and you probably know enough about me to support and continue to read this. For that I want to say, “thank you”. Thank you for going on this journey with me. As I open myself up, please don’t judge me because this is truly coming from my heart to yours.
I have to remind myself that we have all made mistakes and done and said things we wish we could take back. Let me tell you something though, those mistakes will never define your journey and purpose! Those mistakes are meant to serve as a TESTIMONY that you have overcome all the negativity! As I continue to write, I’m not only going to show you who I am but I’m also going to show you all of my imperfections; this is my testimony.
About a year ago on my 21st birthday, the love of my life, my best friend and (in my eyes) my future husband, passed away. Ironically, that was the day that I celebrated another year to be alive. So forevermore, on the day that I was born, I will sadly celebrate the life he lived – the day that my life begun is the day that his life had ended. I held a birthday party at my house, and invited all of my friends. As the night went on, everyone got really drunk and a fight broke out. Richard being the caring and protecting boyfriend he was he tried to calm everyone down but unfortunately, it ended in him getting stabbed. As I sat on my lawn i held him in my arms, and all I could tell him was that he’d be okay and that I love him so much. Little did I know he was dying. I read somewhere once “to die in your arms is such a heavenly way to go.” and if it were me that he was holding I don’t think i’d want to leave any other way.
“You will never be able to see Richard ever again,” I would say to myself, and my heart felt like it was going to explode from all the pain. You know when people say “heartbreak”? My heart was broken and I felt it every single day. They say time heals all, but as I sit here and write this to you all, I can’t help but feel sad. Death does something to you. One of the hardest and most painful things I’ve ever learned to do is hold back tears, and I have learned how to do that well. But. Pain is meant to be felt, so let it out.
His name is Richard Phan. His name was Richard Phan. He’s still alive with me, so, at times, I talk about him like he’s still here. He was the most amazing man I have ever met.
Our love didn’t last long but it was long enough to know that we were soul mates! During our whole relationship he loved me through his actions. That was new to me because I thought if you love someone, you just tell them, but he was a game changer. Now that he’s gone I look back on all the times we argued because of the things he never said. In those moments he must’ve thought, “How silly of her; she doesn’t even know.”
He didn’t say much but he showed it with the way he looked at me, touched me, and wiped away my tears when I cried. Every now and then when I’m sad, I’ll hear our song on the radio and I know it’s him. Even in death he still finds a way to show me he’s here and that I’m loved. That kind of love is the one you all should strive to find, actions do speak louder than words. Words fade away, but a feeling, a look, and a moment – that is everlasting.
When he died, I died. I started to drink a lot more and I didn’t care about my life anymore because a life without him in it…I didn’t want it anymore. For all of those who know me personally, happiness is something I have always poured out, but for the first time, I wasn’t able to feel that anymore. My life went on a downward spiral and going out every night was the only way for me to deal with all the pain.
At this point, all I could feel was loneliness and no matter how many people were around me, I still felt so alone. That loneliness turned into depression. There would be nights where I’d end up on my front lawn just crying because that was the last place Richard and I were in this life together. I’m not sure if any of you have ever felt what this kind of depression feels like, but it’s not something you were born with and it’s not a disease. It’s a side effect of pain, sadness and the burdens you hold in your heart. I’m only telling you this in hopes that it will comfort you if you’ve dealt with this – know that you are not alone!
In my darkest hours, I remember clearly how I wanted to kill myself. You feel a strong energy take over you. The feeling is so dark and so strong that you cannot do anything except give in to it because for so long you’ve taken comfort in pain and sadness – it has become the only thing you know so well.
I’m sorry if it sounds like a rant but I want you to know that I hope that my stories can encourage and uplift you in your darkest hours. So many of my clients will tell me their stories, and they will share that they have felt exactly the same as me – even if they’re three, four, or more years younger or older than me. It made me realize that so often we as a generation get so consumed with technology and our own lives that we forget human interaction. Empathy is what the world needs because 10 out of 10 people you know is probably battling something within themselves!
2014 was such a dark year for me, but in my darkest hours I found God and who I am. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m building my foundation from all the things that I’ve learned: to love myself, to be humble, to be kind and have courage. Looking back on the person I was becoming I didn’t like myself anymore. I felt like I had no substance.
I had turned into a really mean person because of all the anger I felt in my heart. Not being able to let things go haunted me in a way that I didn’t fully realize at the time. At one point in time I thought that I was the shit; I thought that I was lucky enough to be associated with people I admired, looked up to, and thought were amazing. They were all very talented and gave me confidence I never truly had. So, just like Beyonce’s song “I got a big ego!”. Sometimes in life you forget who you are because your striving to be what you think others expect of you, In the end if your not yourself, who are you living for?
With the realization that I didn’t want to be that kind of person, I strive to do better, so please forgive me if I’ve ever hurt you in any way. It’s scary to be so vulnerable, but in my vulnerability I hope that it will give you guys strength! I can honestly say that at this point in my life I am beginning to feel alive again.
I feel like after all that has happened God has made me into a Supernova. If you all subscribe or even have a hint of the same feeling of overcoming something like pain, sadness and struggle, you are, to me, a Supernova! I pray that you have faith and hope: those two things have always comforted me. Know that it’s okay to not be perfect, to mess up, and to be the outcast and weird as hell. I’m all those things and I’m absolutely okay with it. Be bold my Supernovas!
With love & XOXO,